So now we know what a Paint Inspector is !!

One of my favourite photos - I nearly fell off the Helideck trying to get this one ! - It was taken on Brent Bravo and combines nearly all the iconic elements of an Oil Rig - ie the Derrick, the Flare Stack, the Crane, the 'Chopper' and in the distance the 'Spar' with a tanker alongside.

To continue with the tale, I managed to escape 'Bob' after a weeks training with no significant damage to my liver ! I was allocated my 1st job around May 76 (one of the best summers ever !) to a small bridge at the Strathclyde Parks Construction project near Hamilton - Glasgow City Council was the Client - On about the 3rd day just before dinner break a gaggle of schoolgirls appeared, went under the bridge, stripped off to their bra's and panties and proceeded to frolic in the river ! Now Painters, especially the Industrial variety, are perverts by default and required no invitation to strip off their overalls and join in. I resisted at first as I was a responsible person and supposed to be in charge but after a few minutes (I am weak ) I thought '#?!# it' and jumped in the water as well. I was in the act of wrestling with a well endowed nubile 17 year old trying to throw her over my head into the water (this was not easy as her ample charms kept getting in the way !) when, to my horror, I heard a 'posh' voice say 'Mr McIntosh if you have a moment could we see you in the office please ?' 4 Council engineers had come to see how the job was going ! - Humiliated I stood in the Site Office in nothing more than my wet 'Y fronts' trying to explain how the job was progressing well ! It was fortunate that it was still within the dinner break period. They said nothing, but the next day a team of Council Workmen arrived put fencing up all along the river bank along with large signs stating 'Positively No Swimming' - spoilsports !

A few weeks later when that job finished with no further incident my 'not yet wife' and I were given a Council House in Linwood - this was quiet remarkable in that era as unmarried couples were frowned upon - my Dad however had 'contacts' and after a few dodgy 'handshakes' we were in ! Things were looking up !

It occurs to me as I attempt to write this that a lot of the episodes that spring to mind relate to drinking, violence, women and general getting up to no good ! I suppose that is what makes anything memorable (and possibly interesting). The main point that comes out of this for me as I dredge the memory banks is simply that there were at that time just so many dreadful and unpleasant characters about. These seemed mostly to be in the Management circles and conducted themselves in a manner that would just not be allowed today ! The ability to stand up for oneself and outhink these morons was a important asset. A lot of these guys were in positions of responsibility that they should not have been in having IQ's no greater than an ape (thats maybe unfair to our hairy cousins). On the subject of Apes that brings me neatly to the next episode.

The Office instructed me to present myself at a British Gas site namely, Loch of Skene AGI at Westhills just outside Aberdeen (that was the one mentioned earlier where I had a punch-up with the painters a few years later). In 1976 (for a west-coaster) to go to the N East of Scotland was like being asked to go to Vladivostok (Siberia for the uneducated). It could take in excess of 6 hours to get there and no dual carriageways. The man in charge was an 'APE' (Assistant Pipeline Engineer), his name was Clive, and yes he was English ! When I introduced myself to him on the Monday I quickly realised he was a complete @#?!er so I kept out of his way for the first week. The problem was that my 'wife' and I were in love and could not bear to be parted (funny how years later you can't bear to be in the same room). I arranged to rent a residential caravan in Westhills for the Saturday going home Friday evening to pick her up and drive up early Saturday to arrive back on-site mid morning. I had been told it was Ok to leave site when the Contractors left which was about 2.pm on the Friday. No-one told me Clive liked to have a site meeting at 3.pm to discuss the weeks progress (what a tosser - no one had site meetings on a Friday afternoon !).

I arrived home (Linwood) at about 9.pm, the wife was packed and ready so we ordered in fish suppers. An hour later there was a knock at the door and there was Angus my boss at Solus Schall.

"What the hell are you doing here ?" he asked, "I could ask you the same" says I dumbfounded - "Never mind that ! I had a call from site and if you are not there tomorrow 8.am sharp you are sacked !". Well, bloody hell, what a carry on ! We hastily threw our gear into the van and I drove up through the night to Peterculter where a friend had a caravan hired (I did not have the keys for mine yet). He was not too chuffed at being woken at 4 in the morning but he agreed to put us up and to pick up Linda (oops ! ok so now you know her name - I still do 'cos it's still tattooed on my effing arm !) later that day.

I arrived at the site office at 7.45am - Clive was waiting - In a roomful of about 20 men he gleefully gave me a serious dressing down - I was furious at the injustice of it. When he had finished I calmly said "Can I have a word with you outside ?" - with confidence in his 'status' he stupidly followed me round to the back of the portacabin. I turned on him and putting my nose up to his and said "If you ever talk to me like that again in front of the men I will put 'yer heed' right through the cabin wall, you little English @##&ard, and don't bother looking around, no ones here". His face went chalky white as I jabbed my finger onto his forehead. "Remember it's a long way to Gretna (the English border) from here" I said as I turned away.

Ok Ok ! its nothing too be proud of but it happened. The job went on without further incident except that I always had great difficulty in getting my time sheets signed, wonder why ?

This incident led to a feud which lasted for nearly 25 years as our careers alternated. 5 years later I was working out of BGC Perth standing in for Gas Board surveyors who were on holiday. The Senior rushed into the office (I was the only one there) and asked me what I knew about site contractor release procedures. "Well I've seen it done" said I cautiously. That was good enough for him and he armed me with a check list and sent me on my way. Any Contractor on a Gas Site had to have a release certificate of completion before being allowed to remove personnel and equipment.

I arrived at Kirriemuir Compressor Station, and guess who was the Rep for the Contractor ? Yes ! My buddy Clive - He stared in horror at the titles emblazoned across my hard-hat - "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear isn't this just peachy" says I producing the check list - I tortured the poor sod for 2 weeks, cost his Company about 50 grand and aged him by 20 years before I finally relented and released them. Another 5 years later he was a Manager for Rigblast and I a mere supervisor and he returned the compliment. This situation alternated until fairly recently we met and were at about the same 'rank' and a lot older and wiser. "Truce" he smiled offering his hand which I happily accepted. That was the end of that chapter.